Friday, June 26, 2009

What life means to me

I have been missing from my blog these past few days as I am dealing with a family member with cancer and his impending death.

Death is such a scary word, but in my mind today it would mean comfort. My father in law, while living a hard life, meant the world to my kids when they were very small. They have drifted about these last few years because as people age, sometimes they can be a little rough around the edges, that a young person just might not understand. They remember their "PA" differently than he has been the last few years, just as I have. The process of dying with cancer is too much for many to handle.

I am a pretty black and white kind of a gal. I am reserved with my emotions for those who do not truly know me. But can be fierce with them when I need to be. My father in law has no children of his own. Richard is his step on and he has been married to his mom for over 35 years. With Richards moms decent into dementia these past two years and failing health of my father in law, Richard and his sister Diane and myself have had to step in and take over their lives. When cancer hit my father in law, he was not in the best health mentally or physically. I felt I had to take this on and be his advocate. In a three week span of time I have seen him turn into a person I do not know, at times do not like, realizing he is unaware of his actions and ultimate death.

I spent the last two days at the ER and hospital, fighting with doctors to get him out of pain. Without my "screaming fits" and the friendship of Tommy, he would have been tied to a bed in pain and confusion. I think if my head would have not been firmly fastened to my shoulders yesterday, it would have spun around and turned green with rage. I was so angry at the lack of care or response from a local hospital doctor that admitted him. But Tommy came to my rescue helped me get my father in law comfortable and he is now home with hospice where I expect him to pass away in the near future. He needs 24 hour care to keep him comfortable and between Richard, Diane, myself and caregivers we will ensure that he is not in pain. I also realize that my children and nephew are having trouble seeing him that way and they cannot express it. I see it in their faces and their body language. So I will take over the care when I can so they do not have to because its what I can do.

But still I am angry. What about all those other patients who don"t have me ad their advocate. Who is helping them? Especially while the other private beds are filled with PRISONERS!!!(don't get me started on this subject or I will be here all day) Its said and shameful and WRONG. I am on a mission, this particular hospital doctor and his lack of response and care should not be allowed to ignore a patient in pain. He is going to know it, cause I have a VERY BIG MOUTH!!!!! and this time I am going to not keep it shut, but open it wide and make sure this does not happen to another patient in pain who should have comfort instead.


THE PRINCESS of everything ... said...

ANYONE who really knows you understands every word of every sentence in this posting. You are loyally fiece & persistant when needed and I love, admire, & respect for that! Nana & Pa re lucky that YOU are able to deal with all that has been thrown your way thru them. There was a time when they were able to express their gratitude, but I know that was a long while ago. Just know, you are at the front of the line in "nursing heaven". hug, hug for YOU!

candra said...

I love you.